If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight…
...at Lizzie Stark.
My favorite, of course, is the Annie Proulx, since it's totally what should have happened anyway:
Edward and Jacob defy society’s expectations up in the mountains.
There are loads more in the comments there, including this gem:
Bella goes to Malory Towers, where she is initially unpopular because she doesn’t like open-air swimming, has an imagination and likes boys. Slowly she becomes normal and learns to play lacrosse. Edward isn’t in it at all.
(Enid Blyton, of course.)
Even more in the comments at Io9.