Pembroke's version involves a new romance for Harry with an exchange student from America whose physical description is remarkably close to the picture on her website. The new character, who rapidly rises to the top of her class, has a mysterious scar on her forehead similar to Harry's famous lightning bolt. She is also an "animagus" who can assume the form of a talking winged unicorn.
I mean, really. Would it actually surprise you if this happened for real? Not so much.
(I must admit, I had no prior knowledge of The Watley Review. And I was skimming, so they kind of almost had me going for a couple of minutes. The quote from Professor S. O'Crates was a tip-off, though).